It goes without saying that having a baby changes your life. And it’s hard. From the nausea that sets in in early pregnancy, to the aches and pains and insomnia in the last trimester, the toll on your body is great.
Add in waking up every few hours to feed your newborn, healing from birth, learning to breastfeed, and a number of postpartum challenges, and you may wonder why we choose to go through any of it.
Until you hold you baby close and sniff their soft, sweet head. Or catch those fleeting dream smiles. Or get that first taste of back-and-forth interaction with your baby.
The hard stuff is the price we pay for experiencing the overwhelming love and joy of being a parent.
In recent years, society has acknowledged the challenges of motherhood. We see photos of celebrities in those ugly-wonderful mesh panties they give you postpartum. We support breastfeeding in public and also understand that breastfeeding isn’t always easy, or preferred, or for everyone. We accept that it’s okay to feel “touched-out.” We are learning to embrace our postpartum bodies. We talk more openly about postpartum depression and anxiety.
This is all good, and necessary. We acknowledge that parenthood, and especially motherhood, involves some sacrifice, physical discomfort, and lack of sleep. This camaraderie gives us permission to release the unrealistic ideal that parenthood should be easy, or pretty, or that we’re the only ones who find it hard.
It’s hard but we do it because that’s what the baby needs. The baby needs to grow, stretching out the uterus, and compressing our other organs up into the ribcage. The baby needs us to respond to his cries for hunger several times at night so he can eat and thrive. The baby needs to be born so we labor, and push our bodies to their limits, or undergo major surgery to bring the baby into the terrestrial world.
There are things we want to give our kids, like toys, and activities, and quality childcare, and education— so we purchase less of what we might want to give the baby what he or she needs.
All of this giving is normal, and instinctual, and a part of being a parent. But there is a piece missing.
There are other things the baby needs—and they are actually the things we need.
As mothers, we overwhelmingly put the needs of our family before our own. And while it comes from a place of love, and from us accepting the “hard stuff,” it isn’t necessarily necessary. Ignoring our own needs can backfire on us.
Denying what you need isn’t necessarily what your baby needs.
Your baby also needs:
You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Put on your own oxygen mask first.” This is derived from airline safety instructions; parents flying with kids are instructed in an emergency to put on their own oxygen masks before they put on their kids’ masks. Otherwise they might pass out before they can put on anyone’s mask, and then nobody wins.
It’s easy to understand the importance of taking care of yourself first, but it can be hard to do. Or easy to point to something simple like getting your hair done occasionally and say that that’s enough.
Daily self care is much more difficult. Asking for help can feel impossible to do. Budgeting to see a chiropractor in pregnancy, or a pelvic floor therapist after birth, or hiring a postpartum doula, or a babysitter so you can get some alone time, is completely off the radar for many.
But if there is a shift in thought, in both you and your partner, that what you need as a person, is what your baby also needs in a mother— then maybe self care will turn into a family need.
Your self care will be just as necessary as diapers, or a carseat, or daycare, or anything else the baby may need. And so it will be planned for and budgeted for.
Self care isn’t just okay, it’s necessary. Your care is necessary.
Pregnancy and parenthood will always be hard, and exhausting, and challenging at times. But by prioritizing your own needs, you are preventing it from being even harder.
I am a certified labor (birth) doula and postpartum doula serving clients in Boise, Meridian, Eagle, Nampa, and the Greater Treasure Valley.
Self-care can come in the form of a doula, whether that be
during your birth or after your baby is born.
It’s the holiday season, and that means interaction with family members you may see just a few times a year. Even if you have wonderful relationships with your extended family, if you are pregnant around the holidays, conversations can get difficult when talk turns to your plans for birth. Everyone seems to have an opinion to share about what you should or shouldn't do, or they offer a prediction of how your birth will go.
Here are five tips to navigate the holidays while pregnant:
1. Modify your holiday plans. Modify your plans, and minimize your stress. If you usually host a family gathering, ask someone else to host this year. Plan on bringing in prepared foods instead of cooking, or make the dinner a potluck event.
Can you limit family time this year? Use your pregnancy to your advantage. Perhaps you stay for just a few hours at your sister’s house instead of the whole day. Or take a nap while everyone else is watching football.
If you are nearing your estimated due date, your care provider may actually warn against you traveling more than a couple of hours from your home. That means you can avoid a prolonged visit with family altogether, if that is your preference.
2. Prepare for difficult conversations. Chances are, your family members are excited about the new addition to their own extended family. But instead of only sharing in your excitement, they may also feel the need to share their opinions.
Conversation will inevitably turn to your pregnancy, and will likely consist of three topics:
If you are making choices for your birth that are different from those your family members have made for themselves, be prepared for push back. You might hear things like, “Just you wait! You have no idea!” or “You’ll change your mind!”
If your choices are vastly different, you may even hear things like “You are putting your baby’s life in danger!” or “You are being selfish.”
With pregnancy hormones at play, and if you yourself are still navigating your birth options, these conversations can get heated, emotional, and very difficult.
If you anticipate these conversations in advance, you can avoid feeling blindsided. You might tell your family before the event (or have your partner tell their family) that you don’t want to have these conversations at all. Or, you may choose to be more selective or vague in your answers to probing family members.
3. Practice disengaging. Sometimes these difficult conversations can’t be avoided. Maybe your relatives already know your plans for birth and they are using this holiday gathering as one more instance to voice their disapproval.
In these situations, don’t try to defend your choices, or try to convince your family members to accept them. Instead, answer their questions or comments with a neutral phrase, like, “Hmmmmm” or “Huh!”
Or you can make them feel heard and say, “You know, that gives me something to think about.”
Sometimes, you may feel the need to stop the conversation entirely. You can say, “Thank you for your concern. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Or redirect the conversation to another topic: “Okay. Hey, congrats on your promotion. How do you like your new job?”
4. Make time for self care. Taking care of yourself is always important, but especially so during the busy holiday season. Book a prenatal massage, take a long bath, make time to exercise, or plan a night out with your partner. Enjoy the time you have now that is all yours.
Whatever brings you relaxation and calm increases your oxytocin levels. Oxytocin is the "love hormone" that plays a role in labor, attachment, bonding, and breastfeeding. Taking deep breaths, centering your mind, and finding ways to relax amidst the tension around you is also excellent practice for managing labor.
5. Create your own holiday traditions. With a baby on the way, your life will be changing in just a few short weeks or months. Whether this is your first baby, or you are adding a sibling, take the time to reassess what you and your partner want for your growing family. What traditions will you adopt? What will you let go? What is important? What’s not?
These answers look different for everyone. They may not fit into what your extended family has chosen. But when you take the time to pause and think about what you want for your own family, the stress and furor that accompanies this time of year lessens-- which makes for a better holiday season, and a better pregnancy.
I am a certified labor doula and professional postpartum doula serving clients in Boise, Eagle, Meridian, Nampa and the greater Treasure Valley.
This holiday season, ask for doula support! Elevated Birth gift certificates are available in any denomination and can easily be added to your baby registry.
These gorgeous photos are courtesy of Natalie Koziuk Photography. Clients of Elevated Birth get discounts on sessions with Natalie!
New Baby? Pregnant? Trying?
I've worked in the forest, in the lab, and in an office cubicle. My favorite and most passionate work has been alongside clients as they reach inside to find their innermost strength, and give birth to their babies. Each birth is an honor to witness.