Pregnancy and Infant Loss - How to Help

Trigger Warning: Miscarriage, Infant Loss

Everybody has their “stuff” to deal with. People you know well, people you casually know, strangers all around you, they all are working through something difficult in their lives at one time or another. For some, that source of pain is the loss of a pregnancy or of an infant.

People who have experienced this type of loss don’t always share it, even with those close to them. When they do share their grief, they are sometimes met with responses that unintentionally add to their suffering.

Well-meaning people say hurtful things because they don’t know what else to say, or they think that rationalizing the loss will somehow lessen suffering (it can’t). Often, they are trying to minimize their own discomfort about the loss. And sometimes they ignore it, or avoid talking about it, which can be just as painful for the grieving person as saying the wrong thing.

If you are aware that someone you know has suffered a miscarriage, given birth to a stillborn baby, or lost an infant during or shortly after birth, avoid saying iterations of the following:

• “There must have been a reason for your body to miscarry”
• “It was just a fetus, not a real baby”
• “It wasn’t your time”
• “God has a reason”
• “You can have another”
• “At least you can get pregnant”
• “At least it happened before you bonded with him”
• “Maybe this is a sign”

Any attempt to rationalize their loss is destructive. It ignores and minimizes their emotions, hopes and dreams for the pregnancy, and their very real attachment to their baby.

So what should you say to someone who has experienced a loss?

First of all, there are no perfect words. Nothing you say or do will take away their pain. This is hard for some people to accept, especially if you are a person who is a “doer” or a “fixer.” 

Second, all your words need to do is convey love and connection. A simple phrase like, “I’m so sorry” is enough to let someone know you care. You could also say, “I feel so sad for your pain” or “I love you and am here for you.” 

They will hear the same messages from different people and your words will not be unique. That is okay. Again, the point is not to take away their pain (you can’t). The point is to express to them that you care. Validate the emotions they feel, and don’t try to explain them away.

Third, take an action, even a small one. A hand-written card, or a call or text days, weeks, or even months after their loss can bring comfort. Remembering to reach out around the baby’s due date, or on the anniversary of the day the baby was born or died honors the fact that their baby was real not just to them, but to the rest of the world, too.

Don’t be afraid of reigniting their pain by reaching out weeks or months later. They haven’t forgotten, and those anniversary dates can be especially difficult.

If you are very close to the person, you might offer to accompany them to a medical procedure, or help them make funeral arrangements. (Don’t just show up at the hospital or at their home— be sure to make sure your presence is wanted at any particular time.) Don’t take offense if they refuse your offer; allow them the space to make their own decisions on the type of support they need.

Other ways to help: start a meal train for them, offer to help with older children or pets, or run requested errands. The website stillbirthday has a list of ways to provide support here: https://stillbirthday.wordpress.com/familyfriends/

Some other points to keep in mind:

• The pregnant person’s body may still show signs of pregnancy, or in later term losses, they will experience all of the things that happen after birth— their milk will come in, they will bleed for weeks, their hormones will fluctuate. The decisions they make to address the physical aspects of loss are very personal, involve medical necessity, and should not be judged in any way. 
• Partners and grandparents grieve and need support as well.
• Respect the grieving parents’ wishes to honor their baby, even if their choices are different than what you might choose.
• There are bereavement doulas who are trained to provide the physical, emotional, and informational support grieving parents need. They can be present at the birth, provide local resources and referrals, and understand the special needs surrounding loss. stillbirthday has a directory of doulas online at: https://stillbirthday.com/find-doula/
• Know that those who have miscarried early in pregnancy, or are having infertility challenges, may be grieving as well. Even when they already have children, many couples are silently grieving the loss or absence of a desired pregnancy. Avoid asking questions like, “When are you going to start having kids?” or “When are you going to start trying again?” 

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. If you or someone you know needs support after a loss, please contact me for help in finding the resources you may need.

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